In a few days I will turn 40 years old. And I am asking myself the question what kind of life I have.
A lot of people envy the life I have. They think or tell me: you are so lucky! You can sleep as long as you want, you don’t need to go to work, you are single. You don’t need to take care of a husband or children. In fact, you can do whatever you want.
Those people only see what is apparently visible, they think that they know my life.
They don’t know at all how I really feel inside. They don’t see my sadness, they don’t feel my pains.
I don’t dare to complain anymore, I’m not saying how tired I am. People don’t believe me, they tell me that I have nothing to complain off. I wish that some people were more open minded, that they stop stigmatizing. I’ve had enough of hearing: if you have a good night of sleep, everything will be better. Just do some more exercise, and you will have less pains. You have to go out more often, see people, do stuff with friends. This will help you to feel less lonely.
I can’t count how many times I have tried this. Ok, I hear you thinking: she hasn’t tried enough, she needs to try harder, longer.
Can someone tell me why people always refer to themselves when you say that you are tired, that you have pain? How many times didn’t I hear: oh, I am exhausted as well, I am also anxious, me too I suffer from back pain. When they say this, it gives me the impression that they don’t believe me, that I’m faking. I have the feeling that they think that my suffering isn’t as bad, that they are to be complained of. I’m not looking for any complaining, I just want that people understand, or at least accept that I’m suffering so much.
I am fed up of daily pains, of being anxious all the time. I can’t stand it anymore of having so less energy. I want to do a lot of things (writing, giving lectures about autism, visiting family), and it hurts so much that I am too tired to do it.
Another problem I am coping with is the continuous thinking in my mind. It never stops, it is always busy. I wish there was an on/off button. I am so sensitive to all the miseries in the world. I want to help people, even unknown ones so that they don’t suffer anymore, that they are happy. I feel obliged to help my relatives. When my mother says that she is tired, I can’t stop thinking of how to help her more. When one of my nephews says that he/she is bored I would do everything so that they are not bored anymore.
Sometimes my sister in law is stressed out because of her children, I think really hard how I could help her. And I can’t stop thinking of it. I know other people think of it during a time and then they continue with their daily routine. I can’t. It is so tiring, it gives me headaches.
So, what kind of life do I have? I am living to please others, to do everything I can so that they are happy.
Sometimes I am thinking that I would accept to handle all suffering of the whole world, as long as all other persons are fine, are happy, are in a good health.
When will I be able to enjoy my life? I don’t know. Maybe never. Maybe that my purpose in life is to do everything to help others, even if it destroys my physical and mental health.