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Archive for juni, 2016

Each day is a battle. A struggle to get up, a struggle to be kind of productive, a struggle to fight against the anxieties, to try to exercise with those chronic muscle pains.

And every single day, all those battles start over and over again. It never stops. It drives me crazy, it hurts so much. I am in pain, not only physically but also mentally. And most of the people don’t believe me, because you see nothing on the outside. And also I don’t talk about what’s going on inside me, I don’t talk about my emotions. When someone asks me how it’s going? I say: fine. Even when a family member asks me this question. I don’t want to worry too much about me, because they have their own lives, their own struggles and difficulties. And to the people that are skeptical: I have stopped trying to explain it, I have no more energy to do it.

 

But what other choice do I have? Giving up, quitting this live, NO!

I just have to continue fighting, even when I am exhausted, even when I have the impression that I can’t breathe anymore because of the panic, even when I prefer to stay in bed because everything is just too much and that I can’t hold it anymore.

So, I get up, and I fight to survive another day. I do the best I can: I bike each day on the home trainer, or I walk, I try to eat healthy (I enjoyed eating sweets and chips, but I can’t do this anymore because my cholesterol is too high), I help others in need where I can (I do like it when I can put a smile on someone’s face), I do my household.

 

I had dreams of living a life like every one else: getting married, having kids, going to work, spending time with friends.

Due to an autism spectrum disorder, fibromyalgia and kind of chronic depression, I had to say goodbye to this dream. I have extreme difficulties to cope with noises, with people, with changes, with stress…. And that leads to anxiety, to being angry with myself, to being depressed. I know every person has also his own problems, but when I go somewhere I see what other people have that I don’t have, I see them being happy, having a goal in their life. So sometimes I avoid going to family reunions, going to parties, because afterwards I am too sad, and this for days, weeks or even months.

 

Luckily I have good contacts on twitter and facebook. I consider some of them as my friends, even if I never saw them in real life, even if I know not so much about them. But they help me get trough difficult days; they understand what it is to have autism, to suffer. And I hope I help them as well. And I have the chance to have a loveable family who is always there to support me, to give me advice.

 

So even if every single day is a battle to survive, I won’t give up. I can’t do this. I would hurt too many people, my loved ones would be demolished, and I don’t like to hurt people. Giving up is not an option, and will never be. I will continue fighting to survive this hell!!!! And I hope better times will come, times where the pain will be more bearable.

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  1. Die akelige beelden komen weer terug,

ik wil ze vergeten.

Die beelden van mijn opnames komen terug,

ik wil ze vergeten.

Die beelden van de ziekenhuizen komen terug,

ik wil ze vergeten.

Die beelden van de dokters komen terug,

ik wil ze vergeten.

Die beelden van het vastgebonden zijn komen terug,

ik wil ze vergeten.

Die beelden van de isolatiecel komen terug,

ik wil ze vergeten.

1-10-2003

 

  1. Ik zoek wat ik graag doe,

maar vind niks.

Ik zoek hoe me te kleden,

maar niks staat me.

Ik zoek wie ik ben,

maar vind geen antwoord.

Ik zoek een evenwicht,

maar alles is in onevenwicht.

                                                            15-10-2003

 

  1. Als ik iets zeg,

dan past het niet in het plaatje.

Als ik ergens ben,

dan pas ik niet in het plaatje.

Als ik iets doe,

dan past het niet in het plaatje.

Als ik bij vrienden ben,

dan pas ik niet in het plaatje.

10-10-2003

 

  1. . Van lachen naar wenen,

van enthousiast zijn naar niks meer willen,

van sociaal zijn naar niemand meer willen zien,

van veel schrijven naar niks meer,

van actief zijn naar passief,

van vol hoop zitten naar levenloos,

van het ene extreme naar het andere.

                                                            6-1-2004

 

  1. Pesten,

omdat ik zwak was in het sporten.

Pesten,

omdat ik verlegen ben.

Pesten,

omdat ik mij niet kon verdedigen,

Pesten,

omdat ik steeds alleen was.

Pesten,

omdat ze zagen dat het lukte.                           1-2-2004

 

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